SONIKA VANI

Sonika: I feel really empowered by being around so many different cultures. 

NYSU: Do you get to wear your “Lehenga” often? 

Well lately, I've been wearing it often. I got married, and then my sister got married a few months before me, and then it was Diwali. 

So you get a lot of opportunities to wear [a lehenga]. Tell me a little more about what it means for you to represent your culture, especially wearing your own traditional wear?

Honestly, it's really important to me to wear it. And it makes me feel the prettiest when I wear my cultural stuff, just because I don't look Indian. Growing up, no one ever thought I was Indian so I always had to overrepresent the fact that I was Indian. And then when I do wear my cultural stuff, I feel [most] myself – this is the most Indian I feel, this is the most Indian I look. And it makes me feel really strong and beautiful. 

Growing up with a lot of people who didn’t know if you were Indian or didn't think you were, how did that change your own sense of identity? 

It was really confusing growing up. I don't look anything like my family. They're all really pale-skinned, short with straight, black hair – like the classic Indian. But I'm tall, darker, and I have curly hair. So I always felt like I just didn't look like them. And the only time I really felt like I looked like [my family] was when I would wear Indian clothes because we were all wearing the same thing. It just made it so evident that I am Indian, and it felt really good. Now, I have a better relationship with myself when I'm out of Indian clothes [because] I also try to embody my culture in different ways. Growing up, I would [only] embody my culture just by wearing Indian clothes. 

How are you embodying your Indian culture now? 

Well, I actually married a white guy, so now, I feel [extra] proud of my culture. I want to teach him so much about it, and I feel the most Indian I've ever felt because I just want to show him [more about my culture].

That's such an interesting perspective, especially because [many Asian cultures] want to keep the culture within the same group. 

Right, exactly. 

You make a good point – you have a stronger sense of your Indian identity or your Indian background because you get to teach somebody about it versus having to assume that just because [two people] are from the same background, then they’d even feel empowered to continue representing the culture.

And I feel like [my husband] doesn't really have a culture, so I'm kind of like, “Let's [share] my culture. Let's carry on this culture.” This is the first time that I want to learn about my culture – learn about the reason why, so I can tell him and tell our kids. I also speak the language so I’m trying to keep [that language] going as much as possible. 

How are you creating your own path of culture by blending both who you were growing up and who you are now within your new marriage? 

Like you said, I'm making my own blend of it, my own twist. Growing up and not looking Indian – feeling stereotyped – I would get a lot of racist comments from the Indian community because in Indian communities, we really praise short, lighter-skinned, straight hair [women] – that's the beauty standard. I was really the opposite of that so I'm making my culture [now] without any beauty standard, and embracing the core values of my culture, rather than how it's looked in India. 

Yeah, the idea of beauty is perceived differently to each person. If you're asking someone who's from your culture, that’s one standard, but then when you're here [in New York], people have another idea of beauty.

The first [question] in Asian [cultures] is always, “What's your skin color?” 

Did that change or influence how you viewed yourself, beauty wise?

Yeah, growing up, I never really felt beautiful. It’s confusing because I have a lot of confidence, so I would feel beautiful [but] then people would say, “You're not pretty.” And I'm like, “Wait, but I feel really pretty.” [For example], I would go to school and people would tell me I'm pretty, but then I would go to temple and people would say, “You're not pretty.” So there was such a conflicting point of self. But now, I just feel like I can be the Indian standard of pretty and also be my own standard of pretty – they both can be the exact same thing because I make up my own rules. So yeah, I feel like I have a better relationship with my culture now that I've embraced it a lot more. 

It sounds like you’re stepping away from the [Indian beauty] stereotypes and are able to detach yourself from having to fit into a box.

There’s a very modern movement of women being like, “I'm just going to make my culture my own culture. And it doesn't have to be the way my mom taught me or my grandma taught me growing up.” Because as a first generation, you can make your own pathway and that will be the new tradition. Then, you're going to pass it on to your kids. It's just a really beautiful and healing thing, honestly. 

What drew you to the idea of the Roots & Radiance photoshoot and sharing your story?

I really love the fact that [Now You See Us] included India in this entire photo set – that’s really empowering [for me]. And the fact that you gave us free will to bring our own [traditional clothing] – whatever we felt the most beautiful in – that was really important [for me]. You’re letting us explore the different [cultural] pathways that we're making for ourselves, and that feels really, really important to me. This is honestly probably the coolest thing I've done. 

Really? 

Yeah, and this is honestly, so inspiring for me to watch too, because I’m hearing everyone's story and hearing how different they are – I'm learning so much. It’s like, I'm proud to say I am Asian, but also hearing, what does the word “Asian” encompass? Because we're all Asian, but it means so many different things. There's also something so beautiful about first-generation women wearing their traditional clothes, not just with their families. It makes me think, “I can do this by myself. I don't need my mom to help me make or stitch stuff.” It just feels really, really empowering.  

Yeah, wearing our own traditional wear not because we're going to a [family] event or an occasion, but because we're choosing to wear it, and making those opportunities for ourselves. 

It's just crazy – I never thought I would [wear my traditional clothing] outside of my family. I don't need to be near my family to have all of this [Indian] stuff. It made me realize, I probably should just have my Indian clothes in my New York apartment.